Compassion for Loved Ones
“I want to express love, but it’s so difficult ” That’s what men often say in our office at Denver Men’s Therapy. While men often rate themselves as lovable, they describe their ability to give love as not sufficient. Men, in turn, blame themselves and build up anger for not being able to express love.
Perceived as not able to love, a man might compensate with gift-giving and chores or errands. He hopes to show himself as a provider and protector. These actions create a brain fix that emotionally boosts his confidence and energy. When done to compensate, however, there is self-blame and resentment.
With resentment, anger builds up, over time it doesn’t matter what is happening. He is an angry man. Ironically, deep down, the man in his anger feels that he is a victim and a martyr in his attempts to show love. Martyr Hood leads to temporary self-righteousness and the need for anger and retaliation. The cycle continues with feelings of anger.
Anger drives up adrenaline in the body which leads to peaks of activity and lows of depression.
These chemical changes etch an anger-junkie effect in the brain that must be reconditioned to the present. He needs new motivations to replace the temporary patterns of resentment and retaliation. Resentment and retaliation patterns well up from self-blame, and feeling inadequate as a provider, protector, and lover.
He can show love and be a lover with a change in motivation. A man who finds a way to improve his relationship will feel more valuable than when he is angry and stumbles at love. As he learns to solidly replace these attitudes with compassion, he learns a new narrative that matches his present life. He will improve and make new his relationship as the provider, caretaker, and protector by learning to connect with behavior that shows protection and compassion.
At Denver Men’s Therapy, we help men overcome this all too common cycle.
We provide a confidential and supportive space for men to first resolve their anger. Then they are able to learn how to express and show love to those that are most important to them.
